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Written by Emily Cross.
19 minute read
Figuring out what to send when someone dies as an alternative to funeral flowers is something that may feel hard to do at this time. On the one hand, you know that flowers are a traditional show of support at a difficult time, but on the other, you know the family has expressed a wish not to receive any. If you are unsure about how best to proceed, we hope that you will find direction and insights in the following guide.
As a provider of direct cremation services, we have had the honour of hearing about some truly moving ways friends and family have paid their respects over the years. We feel that by sharing some of what we have seen and heard, we can show you that we are a family-run funeral provider that does far more than simply focus on the practical arrangements.
We never want you to feel like you are being forced to choose from a prescribed list of options , how you express yourself is a personal choice. But you may find that hearing about some less traditional alternatives helps you to make a decision that you feel comfortable with. After all, you want to be able to pay your respects in a way that you feel is right, but also in a way that you know the family will appreciate.
Key takeaways:
Many people send flowers when someone dies, as it’s seen as a thoughtful gesture. But more families are now asking for no flowers at all. But funeral flower etiquette is changing, and more families now ask that no flowers be sent. Knowing what to do instead can feel awkward, especially when you don’t want to disturb them with questions. Taking a moment to think about why they may have made this request in the first place can help:
There are also many families who feel that alternatives can be more lasting, symbolic, or personally meaningful than flowers that may only last for a week or so. For example, if a family has considered some of these contemporary end-of-life celebration ideas, they may prefer it if everyone contributed to a memorial tree or something else more permanent than flowers. Any efforts you are able to make to respect their wishes will be gratefully appreciated.
Certain cultures and religious practices may replace flower-giving with other tributes or gestures, and this is something you may wish to make yourself aware of. If you know that the family has a different heritage or belief system from your own, taking a moment to consider any nuances or sensitivities would be appreciated by them.
Culturally sensitive and respectful choices, especially across different faiths and religions, will ensure that a well-intentioned gesture doesn’t unwittingly cause offence. By taking a moment to understand their beliefs and how they view life and death, you can make sure that you don’t accidentally cause upset or hurt. If you are unsure about how best to proceed, you may find it helpful to reach out to a relative or close friend so that you can ask their advice.
Just as simple cremations offer alternatives to traditional funeral services, there are also a growing number of more contemporary alternatives to sending flowers. If you are in search of ideas or inspiration, you may wish to consider some of the following:
Figuring out whether you want your alternative to sending funeral flowers to focus more on emotional resonance, usefulness, or symbolism is a personal journey. To help you make it, you may find that it helps to consider the recipient’s relationship to you and their current situation. For example, if they are a close friend with young children, you may find that practical support is warmly received.
Making a donation or charitable gift in the name of the person who has died can be deeply moving and poignant, especially if the charity relates to their journey in some way. Many find that giving back to a charity that helped a loved one while they were alive is a fitting tribute. Others choose to donate to armed forces charities if their loved one served, or to community-based initiatives that serve their local area.
By aligning causes with the person’s values or life story, you can add a personal element that may make the tribute feel far more authentic and thoughtful. You may also find that you are helping to shape their legacy by giving back in a way that will be appreciated and utilised by future generations. This is something that may help provide a great deal of comfort to the close family and next of kin, as they will be able to see their loved one continue on in some way.
Personal tributes can often align with non-traditional funeral ideas as both provide greater scope for free emotional expression. By removing some of the traditional constraints and expectations, you may find that you are able to arrive at something that fits the memory of the person who has died. Here are some ideas you may wish to consider when the time feels right:
The personal element of such gifts and tributes is what gives them a level of emotional depth and personal remembrance that traditional funeral flowers may not be able to achieve. You may also find that the permanent nature of such tributes is warmly appreciated by the family, who may find it upsetting having to eventually remove funeral flowers from their home.
Practical gifts and gestures are becoming increasingly common in the UK, especially at a time when many of us may find ourselves living apart from our families. Popular choices include:
A sensitive, compassionate, and tactful approach can help the person feel cared for, without making them feel like they’re not coping. Offering comfort and support in a way that feels easy to accept is especially important if they seem to be withdrawing. Small gestures that ease the pressure of daily life can also help them open up when they’re ready.
One of the challenges with choosing an alternative to funeral flowers is that you may feel unsure about the recipient’s expectations. Starting with the timing of the gesture can help. As a general guide, it’s thoughtful to send a gift within a week of hearing about the death. While there’s no fixed rule, it’s worth remembering that those closest to the person who has died may be hoping to hear from friends and family sooner rather than later.
It’s also important to consider your relationship with the recipient. If they’re a close friend or relative, you’ll likely have a sense of how best to express your support. With colleagues or more distant connections, things can be a little more delicate. In these cases, practical support might feel too personal. A simple card, perhaps with a kind message and a note about donating to a charity of their choice, can be a gentle and respectful alternative.
If you’re looking for something that doesn’t stray from the tradition of giving funeral flowers, but is also more personal and understated, DIY funeral flowers or a small hand-picked bouquet can be a meaningful gesture. It shows care and thought without the formality or cost of a traditional arrangement.
When you’re personalising a tribute for someone you knew well, it’s often the subtle, thoughtful touches, like a custom note or engraving, that make the biggest difference. Adding a personal detail can give the gift deeper emotional meaning and show that it comes from the heart.
Personalisation matters most when you’re supporting someone close to you. While they won’t expect or ask for it, a generic gift might unintentionally feel impersonal at a time when you want to show care. Even if it’s still seen as a respectful gesture, a more meaningful choice can offer real comfort.
There are so many different symbols of grief and forms of tribute that it may feel overwhelming trying to figure out how best to present your final choice. Flowers would traditionally be delivered by a local specialist service, which in many ways simplified things. Taking a moment to break down the steps in delivering a gift should help you to find the right approach with your alternative funeral flowers:
For items that are not fragile or time-sensitive, sending them via the postal service with a handwritten letter at the earliest opportunity may be best. If you are ordering a delicate or highly personalised item from a specialist seller, you may find that they already have special delivery options for those paying tribute to someone who has died.
Temporary floral arrangements may provide comfort in the days after someone has died, but they lack the permanence of more enduring items. Symbolic gifts with lasting visual or emotional presence may be preferred by the family as they give them something to focus their grieving and healing on. Options such as plants, ornaments, or pictures may continue offering comfort over time.
A more permanent gift can offer a sense of familiarity and reassurance, especially as the recipient won’t need to part with it. In contrast, funeral flowers often begin to fade after a week or so, which may make it harder for the family to let go of something they’ve found comfort in during the early days of grief.
We all have the right to express ourselves and to grieve in our own way, but it’s also important to be mindful of how our actions might affect others. If you’re unsure whether a particular gesture feels right, the following gentle guidance may help:
Taking a moment to consider things from the recipient’s point of view can often help you decide whether your idea feels thoughtful and appropriate. And if you’re still unsure, asking a trusted friend or relative for their opinion can offer reassurance.
We have heard of many examples of friendship groups expressing shared sympathy through things such as collective donations or collaborative cards. Many also find that they can come together to create a joint memory gift that is far more meaningful than a series of smaller, disconnected tributes.
Community groups, social clubs, and sports teams may also feel like they want to pay tribute to the person who has died. This is something that may provide great comfort to the next of kin as it shows them that people from many different areas of their loved one’s life were touched by them. A suitable tribute in this case could be something that expresses the shared passion and common interest that brought them all together in the first place.
Coordination is something that will make a real difference to the cohesion and execution of a group gift. Appointing a contact person to manage logistics and take on board the thoughts and feelings of everyone involved is a common approach to take here. Deciding on a unifying gift theme that reflects the group’s shared relationship with the person who has died is also something many choose to do.
As most or all of the group will have been friends, rather than relatives, the nature of the messaging becomes particularly important. You may have running jokes or shared experiences that you express in casual language, but these may not be understood or appreciated by the next of kin. By all means, share them at a later date if you feel it is suitable, but these types of memories are often best left to times when you are sharing them in person. Focusing on kind, compassionate, and heartfelt messaging would be our advice here.
Families can participate in condolence giving in a way that includes children, especially if there are creative elements to consider. Handmade gifts that allow for personal, age-appropriate involvement and expression are some of the most sentimental and moving of all. By giving every child the chance to express themselves and think about what it means when there is a death in the family, you can also teach them empathy.
Many young children express themselves creatively before they can do so verbally, and this is something that may help at this difficult time. Drawing pictures, writing simple notes, or helping to make a memory book with photos inside could help them to process what has happened. You could also find an age-appropriate book that deals with the topic of death and grieving that you can read to them.
The potentially difficult part is to do all of this in a way that is right for your child, and that is something many parents struggle with at this time. If in doubt, softening your language and starting their involvement in a way that is purely about crafting and creativity may help. You may then find that they begin to ask you questions, and that you can then talk in a little more detail and depth about what has happened.
We believe that everyone has the right to consider the many traditional cremation alternatives that are practiced, and to do so in a way that feels right to them. If you find yourself thinking about how you want to pay a tribute to someone you love, and it then makes you think about your own legacy, you may find that looking at *prepaid funeral plans helps. Sit with it and take your time; there is never any rush. We can also help with our guide, where we compare funeral plans, so that you can see your options in front of you.
Hopefully, this guide has shown you that there are alternatives to funeral flowers that many recipients will derive a great deal of comfort from. We want you to know that we are always here for you and that, no matter what you need, we are always here to talk.
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Pictures, memory books, keepsakes, and offers of practical help are all options that you may wish to consider. Taking a moment to consider how the nature of your relationship with them will impact the choice of gift or tribute is also important. You don’t want to be over familiar with a colleague or slightly detached because of a generic gift with a close relative, for example. Thinking about the choice in these terms could help you to convey the right message.
If you know the family well, you may find that a gesture is more appropriate and helpful than a gift or physical item. Offering to help with pets, childcare, housework, and errands are all popular ways to reach out and show that you care. To many people, actions speak louder than words, and that means you can find ways to show you are there for them that can mean so much more than a note and a card.
Yes, planting a tree is one of the most common forms of memorial gift because it could easily last for a century more and will continually grow. The symbolism of a tree planted at a meaningful spot will also not be lost on the next of kin, who may well see it as a continuation of their loved one’s presence. The permanent nature of the tree also provides somewhere for well-wishers to pay their respects on key dates, such as birthdays and anniversaries, in the years to come.
Close relatives may find that a handmade keepsake or an engraved photo frame feels a lot more meaningful than flowers. The personal nature of the gift, and the thought that has clearly gone into it is something that will create a greater sense of emotional resonance with the recipient. Exactly what you want when you need to show that you care and that you are there for them whenever they need you.
Reflecting on your relationship with the person who has died, as well as your relationship with the recipient, is the key here. You may find that trying to strike a balance between comfort and remembrance helps as well, especially if you want your sympathy gift to be far more of a permanent fixture than short-life funeral flowers.
While plants and trees are some of the most popular choices, we would suggest not sending one unannounced. This is because planting and caring for a tree may not be something the recipient feels able to do right now. One of the best ways to approach this type of gift, in our experience, is to think about how you can offer it as a joint gift at a later date. Even if this means discussing things with the next of kin, that is okay. Not all gifts have to be surprises.
Yes, donations are a popular and tasteful choice that many people feel deeply moved by. Asking a close friend or relative for advice on the right charitable cause to give to may help you strike the right tone here. You may find that this becomes the start of a long-running fundraising initiative that helps you feel connected with the person who has died.