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Written by Emily Cross.
18 minute read
When a loved one dies, and you want to pay your respects, you may find that you are invited to attend a memorial service instead of a funeral service. Because you are grieving and coming to terms with how you can process your loss, it’s natural if you find it difficult to follow all of the little nuances involved with attending.
If you are unsure what the dress code for a memorial service is, we can help guide you through everything you need to know. Our guide is designed to be accessible and bite-sized so that you don’t feel any pressure to try and read it in one sitting. We’ve also broken it up into small sections so that you always have the option of jumping to a specific point you would like to know about.
Here at Aura, we are always available to provide a kind, compassionate, and personal service that can help you with a prepaid funeral plan or organise a direct cremation for a loved one. Our approach is to listen to your needs as if they were our own and then make recommendations that allow you to navigate the process as quickly and easily as possible. We feel it’s the least we can do at what we understand is already a difficult time.
Key takeaways:
Knowing what to wear to a memorial service as you prepare to attend can help reduce your stress because you will have a much better idea of what is expected of you. To help you arrive at this point at a pace you feel comfortable with, we’re going to start with the basics.
While many of us have already attended several funerals, you may not be familiar with the difference between a funeral and a memorial service.
The memorial service is a formal ceremony where the person who has died is remembered by those in attendance. They will normally have been buried or cremated already, whereas this is typically not the case with a funeral. Some families who have chosen to cremate their loved one will choose to have an urn present so that their loved one still has a physical presence during the service. Those in attendance will traditionally be asked to dress in a way that is conservative or modest, although some families will choose to follow their own conventions.
Although the memorial service can be held directly after the funeral, many families choose to leave a period of time for reflection and grieving in between. The duration of this period is a deeply personal decision and varies from one family to the next. Some choose several days, while others prefer many months. There is no right or wrong choice here; it is only what feels right for the family of the loved one.
Many people choose to follow British funeral traditions when deciding what to wear to a memorial because of the rich tradition in the UK. The idea of wearing black is something that is deeply ingrained in British culture, and it is something that you may or may not feel strongly about.
Traditionally, black formal clothing that is modest and conservative has been worn by mourners as a mark of respect for the person who has died and for their family. Many people feel that formal attire can help to set the tone for a thoughtful and supportive environment where everyone is coming together as one to process loss, share memories, and help the family continue their journey.
If you feel able to follow the conventions the family wishes to follow, your efforts will be appreciated and taken as a strong sign of respect.
Knowing what to wear can be difficult if you have not attended a memorial service before. Here are some general guidelines that you can use to get things started.
Some women will decide that the safest way to dress for a memorial will be to follow traditional UK funeral etiquette. In this case, you may find that you wish to wear dark or muted colours that have modest outlines paired with comfortable footwear and a small number of understated accessories. We also understand that how you dress to pay your respects is a deeply personal choice, so please don’t feel that we are being prescriptive here. Our intention is simply to outline more traditional choices so that you have some initial options to work with.
If you are preparing to attend a memorial service but are unsure what to wear, you may wish to consider dress pants, a collared shirt, or a suit. Many men choose to keep their look simple, clean, and polished so that they can pay their respects in a traditional way. Of course, this can change if the family has made a specific request or if there are cultural or religious considerations and allowances that may need to be made.
If you want to know what to wear for a memorial service and you choose to dress gender-neutral, there are a few things you may wish to consider. Some choose blazers and sweaters, while others prefer the look and feel of long-sleeved tops paired with dress shoes. The point here is that you don’t have to follow any of these as a rule — they are here to serve purely as a starting point. Taking some time to find something that is comfortable, respectful, and appropriate for the time of year is sometimes a matter of reflection. If you are able to give yourself some time and space to think about what your proposed attire says about your relationship with the person who has died, you may find the process a little easier.
A memorial service dress code can be a little more relaxed compared to the more structured expectations of what happens at a funeral. Finding the right balance between formality and comfort can remove some of the stress of the buildup.
Outdoor memorials may require you to plan for the weather a little ahead of time. You may wish to consider having a formal overcoat or jacket to hand if there is wind or rain and perhaps an umbrella in a muted colour to help deal with the latter. At other times of the year, you may find that lightweight, breathable fabrics are the order of the day as they can help you keep cool in the sunshine.
While indoor memorials tend to be more predictable and easy to prepare for, it’s important to give a little extra thought to your choice of footwear in the event that a portion of the service takes place outside. Burial sites, in particular, will often have unlevel or uneven ground that can make footwear such as heels a little less practical than you may wish. You may find it useful to give a little thought to flat shoes that you feel are comfortable and suitably formal.
Just as there has been a marked increase in the number of modern funerals, so has the number of casual and themed memorials. You may feel a little surprised, perhaps even uncomfortable, when someone from the family gets in touch to request that everyone wear a bright colour or a bold pattern, especially if you yourself would prefer traditional dark formalwear. That said, the main focus of the memorial service is on following the wishes of the family so that they feel the support and respect of all those in attendance at what is a difficult time.
The family will have chosen a colour or theme because they feel it best reflects what their loved one meant to them. If they were a bright and bubbly character who was always at the heart of social gatherings, the family may feel that a solemn and subdued occasion just isn’t what they will have wanted.
Even if you would stick to formal and traditional attire when organising a memorial service yourself, any efforts you feel able to make to accommodate the family’s wishes will be greatly appreciated. They will see your actions as a mark of respect and feel supported in a way that can help them navigate the many complexities of the grieving process.
If you find that you are reading our guide on what to wear to a memorial service and you still feel like you should check with the family, please know that this is completely natural. Wanting to make doubly sure is something that many mourners experience, and it’s a sign that you have the best interests of the family at heart.
The problem that many people face at this point is that they may not wish to talk about the dress code with the next of kin. This is understandable given the number of things the close family will no doubt have on their mind at this time. You may find it helpful to talk to a member of the family who has been tasked with organising the service and ask them for any guidance they are able to offer.
Others reading this may feel that a little extra reflection and thought is required before broaching the subject. If you find that you feel this way, you may wish to consider exploring grief counselling so that you can voice how you feel with someone who is impartial and never judges. You may find that this helps you come to terms with your loss and allows you to pay your respects in a way that both allows you to feel comfortable and follows the wishes of the family.
Deciding what to wear to a memorial service may also require you to give some thought to religious and cultural choices that are important to the family.
While by no means obligatory or definitive, here are some general points you may find helpful:
Every faith has its own traditions that the family will appreciate you attempting to follow or accommodate in any way you feel comfortable with.
Families from cultures outside the UK will greatly appreciate any efforts you are able to make to dress in a way that is respectful of their wishes. Every country, region, and faith has its own customs and heritage, and there is no set way of doing things that trumps everything else. Taking a moment to remember the importance of being respectful and sensitive at a time of grief may help you to find compromises that ensure you are comfortable and the family feels supported.
Personal expression is a part of the grieving process, but you may wish to be mindful of how certain choices may make the family feel.
Overly casual items such as shorts, flashy prints, revealing outfits, or bold logos are attire choices you may wish to avoid, provided the family hasn’t specifically requested them. If you have been asked to dress smart casual but are unsure how to strike the right balance, you may wish to think about how you would dress for a networking event or conference when a suit would be seen as too formal.
If you are unsure of how to dress in a way that shows you are respecting the wishes of the family, given that you know they are not ones for rigid tradition, it can be difficult. One key thing to have in mind is that the memorial service is more about remembering the person who has died.
A good rule of thumb to follow if you are unsure is to consider attire that is timeless and smart, as opposed to being more driven by a recent fashion trend. There is no right or wrong way to approach this because the last thing we want to do is dictate what you wear, but you may find it helpful to sit and reflect on how what you wear could make the family feel. Some mourners also find it helpful to talk to friends and relatives about what they are wearing so that they feel more comfortable with their choices.
Choosing what to wear at a memorial service is really all about finding a way to pay your respects to the family in a way that you feel comfortable with. You can think of it as a display of empathy that they will be able to see and appreciate when you arrive.
Although it is perfectly natural to have your own style of casual dress that reflects who you are and to grieve in your own way, the time you spend at a memorial service is about something more. It’s about showing the family you are there for them and sharing what their loved one meant to you as a result of the time you spent together.
Getting the balance right can be difficult, even daunting, so you may wish to try and take a step back and see things from the point of view of the family. Think about who they are as people, their personalities, and how they thought of and spent time with the person who has died. Asking yourself if you would feel that your choice of attire is respectful and capable of showing empathy if you were in their position can be insightful. You will, of course, do this in your own way and at a pace that you feel comfortable with.
Perfection is never something you can achieve here, so you may find there is less pressure in the buildup if you focus on making your attendance feel authentic and reassuring. It’s all too easy to get caught up in the intricacies and nuances of choosing your attire and to forget about what matters most.
To restore a little more balance to the preparations, you may find it helpful to think about how you can start talking to the bereaved on the day in a way that will convey how you feel but without overwhelming them. Some choose a memory or to share a few kind words, while others lead by asking the family how they feel and letting them know they are always there if they need anything. The choice of words and the way you deliver them is a deeply personal decision that will be shaped by your personality, relationship with the family, and how close you were to the person who has died.
We hope that the advice, guidance, and explanations you have found in our guide have gone some way to providing you with the support you need.
If you would like any other insights into how you could process your loss and prepare to pay your respects, our library of resources and guides is always open to you. We hope we can help in any way we can and are always right here if you would like our assistance.
If you have any questions, would like a brochure or simply would like a chat through our services, our award-winning team is here to help.
Unlike other providers, we won’t hassle you with constant calls. We’ll simply ensure you have the information you need and leave you to come to a decision in your own time. When you’re ready for us, our team will be ready to help.
While black is the most traditional colour in the UK for both funerals and memorial services, it is not formally required. That said, many families will appreciate any efforts you are able to make to dress in a way that is modest and understated at what they may see as a rather solemn time.
There are also exceptions to this general rule, specifically when the family has decided that they see the memorial more as a celebration of life rather than a way to try and come to terms with loss. In these cases, you will typically hear from someone close to the family who will lay out their wishes. Common requests include for people to dress smart casual, wear a particular colour, or in some cases to simply come as you would if you were spending time with the person who has died. Making an effort to respect the wishes of the family is something that they will certainly appreciate.
Although we all grieve and dress in ways we feel comfortable with, jeans are not typically worn to a memorial service. If you have been asked to dress smart casual but are unsure whether or not that includes jeans, you may wish to talk things through with a few of your fellow mourners.
If you feel that a suit is too conservative and formal for the memorial service, knowing the family as you do, but are unsure if jeans are too casual, there are a few options you may wish to consider. A skirt, slacks, or even chinos could all be choices that you may feel are a better fit for the occasion. Taking some time to reflect could help you arrive at an outfit that you feel is both comfortable and appropriate, given your relationship with the close family.
In many cases where the family wants to use the memorial service to celebrate the life their loved one led, they will request that everyone wears a particular colour, style of clothing, or pattern. Even if this is something that you have not done before — many of us are only used to wearing black formal attire at such events — your efforts to accommodate the wishes of the family will be greatly appreciated.
If you choose to embrace the non-traditional style of dress the family has requested, doing so in a mindful way is important. It may be best to avoid trying to change the colour or pattern you wear simply because you prefer yourself in something else, for example.
Not every child will have a suit or formal dress in a dark colour, and not every child will feel comfortable wearing something that formal either. The family of the person who has died will understand this and will appreciate having the children there so that they can bring them into the family at a time when being close to one another can feel like it matters more than ever.
If you are a parent who is unsure of what to dress your children in, you may wish to consider something that is of equal formality to a school uniform. A smart jumper and trousers combined with dark shoes may allow you to strike the right balance between paying your respects and making sure the kids feel comfortable.
Virtual memorials became increasingly common during the pandemic when it was not always possible for loved ones to meet face to face. Others choose to use them to bring family members who are living abroad, or those who are unable to travel, close together to remember the passing of a loved one and to celebrate the life they led.
Virtual memorials are often more relaxed and casual than in-person memorials, but you may still feel that you want to dress in a formal manner. Perhaps you could speak to a couple of your fellow attendees in the weeks leading up to the memorial to ask what they are wearing. This will help you strike the right balance between paying your respects and fitting in so that you feel comfortable.