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Written by Emily Cross.
17 minute read
At a time when you may still be coming to terms with the initial shock of the death of a loved one, crafting a reply to a heartfelt condolence message may, understandably, be one of the last things on your mind. That said, knowing how to respond to condolences may help remove a small element of the pressure you are under and give yourself something to hold onto. Even the simple act of acknowledging that such a message needs to be written may help you gradually accept that your loved one has died.
Because of the highly personal nature of grief, there is no definitive formula that tells you which way to go or how to proceed. As providers of direct cremation services that are designed to give families choice and free them from formal expectations, we understand how this feels and how important it may be to you. That’s why we hope that this guide may help to provide you with some support, guidance, and direction at a time when so much may seem uncertain or overwhelming.
As always, there is no obligation to choose a particular approach or to begin replying right away, but you may find that replying when you are ready helps you begin your healing journey. People are reaching out because they care about you and your loved one. Showing them that you appreciate their thoughts and wishes is something that may help you feel more connected to the people around you.
Key takeaways:
While there may be many guides on what to say when someone is grieving, it may feel like there is a lack of guidance and support when it comes to responding to expressions of love and support. Knowing what to say when someone says ‘sorry for your loss’ may not come naturally to you right now, and there is nothing wrong if this turns out to be the case. That said, there are some potential benefits to responding to messages of condolence.
Even very short, general responses show appreciation of support and kindness and may make you feel more connected with those around you. Focusing on sincerity, warmth, and gratitude as key emotional elements (while not always easy) may make you feel able to open up and express yourself. This is not to say that you are obliged or expected to reply, but that doing so when you feel emotionally ready may help you to begin to process how you are feeling beneath the surface.
Figuring out how to reply to condolences is something that may help you navigate one of the initial steps of your grieving and healing process, and you may find some guidance helpful. One of the most common ways to send a reply is via text message, even if the message you received was a more formal, short condolence message for a sympathy card, or letter. The benefit of text messages is that they arrive instantly and take less effort to put together at a time when you may feel like you only have a limited amount of emotional energy at your disposal.
Others find that a slightly more traditional approach in the form of a written letter or card is preferable. For example, if you have received a letter of condolence from an elderly relative, you may decide to write to them personally. This is very much a personal choice and is something that every recipient of your messages will appreciate that you made under perhaps the most upsetting of circumstances.
A number of people find that calling when they feel ready is a better approach. One benefit of this is that it allows you to reach out and have conversations with loved ones and avoid feeling isolated, while you attempt to grieve. The vast majority of people will not mind when you call and will not expect you to schedule the call in advance. They will understand what you are going through and will make the effort to try and help you, listen to you, and find ways to help you heal if that’s what you would find helpful.
Sometimes, keeping it simple and heartfelt is the best way to approach things. It may be that this approach helps avoid causing yourself undue stress about what to write, and that, as a result, you have more mental and emotional energy to work through some of the many other things that are in front of you right now. Here are some examples that you may find helpful to base your approach around:
Short messages like this lend themselves to text messages and emails when you want to be able to reply to a large number of well-wishers without draining your emotional energy. If you find yourself worrying whether the brevity of such messages will convey the right message, it may help to remind yourself that no one will be expecting to hear from you in the first place. This means that it is not so much about the content of the message as it is about the sentiment that lies behind it — you are grateful for the support at this difficult time.
In our role as a family-run funeral provider, we have had the honour of hearing some truly beautiful choices of words over the years. We hope that by sharing some of the below, we can help you figure out how to respond to a funeral text in a way that you feel comfortable with:
Taking a moment to share specific gestures that brought comfort is something that you may find helps remind you how much those around you care about you. Personal replies for those who were especially supportive during the first few days after your loved one died may also help you remember that there are still so many sources of good out there in the world.
Figuring out how to reply to the condolence messages you are receiving is something that doesn’t necessarily have to involve a great deal of thought. There is no set convention or timeframe that you should feel obliged to follow, and no one will think anything of it if they don’t hear from you straightaway. If you find that a little guidance and support help at this time, you may find the following sections helpful.
Just as there are different symbols of grief that fit best for different deaths in your life, you may feel that the same is true of replying to condolences. Take the death of a parent or partner as an example. You may find that responses more along the lines of the following examples resonate more with you:
Gratitude-centred language is something that has its benefits. It is polite and compassionate, which is something that the recipient will certainly appreciate, but it is also positive and forward-looking. You may find that choosing this type of wording helps you to feel grounded in the moment and possibly even thankful for some of the little things that are entering your life right now. No matter how small the positive feeling or action is, it may give you something to hold onto when you are experiencing such intense emotional upset.
Deciding how to respond to condolence messages may feel overwhelming, but there are paths you can take, even if you are someone who doesn’t naturally feel comfortable talking about death and dying. If you find the prospect overwhelming, sending a general message to everyone may be the best way to acknowledge the support you have gratefully received: “Thank you for thinking of us during this difficult time.”
In this example, the tone has remained warm and genuine, even if the message is concise and direct. This balance could help you to express gratitude, but to do so in a way that doesn’t force you to expend more emotional energy than you may feel able to at this time.
Creating a warm response to a condolence message is something that may help you when you are coping with grief. If you find that writing everything in your own words helps, there are some simple steps that may allow you to find a way to express yourself.
A personal note is built around three parts: opening, message, and closing. The opening is a form of greeting, and the main message is where you would express your thanks and appreciation for the message you received. The closing is the part that varies the most, and many choose to keep it open. Letting them know that you are appreciative of what they have sent you, perhaps including a note about updating them regarding funeral arrangements later on, may help you to find the words to close with.
Deciding what to say when you don’t know what to say is one thing, but then, when you find the words, you may be left feeling like you have no idea when and how to share them. Many people choose to wait a couple of weeks after the funeral, especially if they are writing many of the responses personally. This is because they find that having some time to come to terms with their own emotions helps them to clarify their thinking and face the prospect of openly acknowledging the death of their loved one.
Even if you have been putting off replying for months, or understandably forgot to do so, no one will think anything of it. If you feel ready to send a response and want to reach out, the person you are writing to is sure to appreciate your doing so. The timing really doesn’t matter when you have lost someone.
Knowing how to respond to a condolence message is something that many of us have never thought about, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t paths you can follow. A warm, polite, and heartfelt choice of words is the norm here, but you may find that it helps to be more casual or conversational with people you know very well, such as close friends and siblings.
The key point is that you have the freedom to reply in a way that you feel is appropriate and authentic, and that simply receiving a response is something that everyone will feel grateful for. If you are unsure of what to write, there are many commonly used phrases that communicate the type of polite and grateful sentiment that many people will be expecting.
You may find it helps to open yourself up to talking about death if you are struggling to find the words. A growing number of people are finding great comfort in listening to grief podcasts because they allow them to hear heartfelt, sincere, and kind language that has a natural warmth to it.
There is no secret formula or template when you want to write the messages yourself and find the right words. Thinking about how you feel, the relationship you have with the person you are writing to, and the relationship they had with your loved one all matter. Some people find they are able to achieve some sense of healing from this act of thought and reflection, so this is something that you may wish to consider.
You may also find that paying some respect to the different cultures, backgrounds, and even ages of the people you are writing to is helpful. For example, if you are writing to a sibling or close friend you know is comfortable with the concept of growing around grief, you may write to them in a more personal, conversational way than you would to an elderly relative you feel is more traditional. This is not to say that one way is right and the other wrong, but more that everyone has their own sensitivities at times like these.
If you are in any doubt, adopting a traditional, sincere, and warm choice of language from some of the examples in this guide may help you. That way, you can reply without causing yourself worry about how you are expressing yourself or any offence or upset you may have unwittingly caused.
Digital responses, such as texts, emails, and social posts, are perfectly acceptable, but you may find that handwritten notes allow you to express something a little more. Many find that reserving handwritten messages for close relationships or formal situations helps them to express themselves in a way that they feel is more appropriate.
One thing to consider here is your emotional energy and mental wellbeing. If you find the number of replies that may be waiting for you overwhelming, a text message may feel more manageable.
If you feel you have the emotional energy, taking some time to personalise your condolence replies may help you to navigate the process. Thinking about the personal relationships and connections you have with each person you are writing to could help show you that there are many people you can turn to when you feel the need.
Taking a moment to think about what each person means to you and the role they have in your life may help you to see that there are many sources of comfort. The words that then come to you may help you to begin processing how you are feeling and the initial shock that you are understandably experiencing.
We want you to know that we are here in so many more ways than just to help with the practical considerations. While one of our main focuses is on providing pre-paid funeral plans to help family members leave their own legacy, another big part of what we do is to provide comfort, support, and guidance in any way that we can. We do it by creating guides, like this, that are designed to talk you through sensitive topics at a pace you feel comfortable with.
We hope that it has included some new perspectives and points of view that may help you to see things differently. Even if it is something as simple as showing you that you are not alone, you may find that you are able to derive a great sense of comfort from this realisation in the days, weeks, and months that lie ahead.
No matter how you choose to heal or how long it takes, we want you to know that we are always right here for you. We feel it is the least we can do at a time when you are processing one of the hardest events life will present you with.
Something as simple as sharing a “Thank you for your kind words” or a message along the lines of “I appreciate your support” is often all that is required. As the next of kin, everyone will completely understand that you have so many more important things on your mind. There is no expectation that you will write back at all, and certainly no expectation that you are going to be writing within a certain timeframe. Working through your messages when you feel you have the emotional energy may help you to avoid overstretching yourself at a difficult time.
Many people reply with something like “Thank you for your sympathy,” or decide to use phrases such as “Your support means a lot.” They are tried and trusted responses that every recipient will be both familiar with and grateful for. At a time when you are trying to process so many different emotions, you may find that there is a sense of comfort derived from familiarity.
You may decide that you feel more comfortable writing your own thank you messages from scratch, and this is something that may bring comfort to you. If you are someone who finds that sitting with your thoughts and choosing your words carefully helps you to process things, taking a personal approach to each reply may be one way to do things. It could remind you that there are many people beyond your immediate family who you can turn to for help and support at this time.
Sending a message via text is something that is perfectly acceptable when you are grieving, even if you have received a card in the post instead of a text. If you want to send a letter or a card as well, no one will think anything of it and they will appreciate the gesture. Pacing yourself and managing your energy may help you to heal in other ways while also preparing yourself for other things, such as making funeral arrangements.
Yes, you have every right to reply as briefly as you like at a time like this, and no one will think any less of you because of it. Even a simple acknowledgement of a couple of lines is enough and will still be greatly appreciated by the recipient. A short period of writing and replying may also help ground you to the people around you and remind you that there are other sources of comfort and support in your life at this time.
Something simple like “Thank you for your support” is often enough and will convey a sentiment that will be appreciated by all those who hear it. You do not have to elaborate or discuss your feelings and healing journey at length if you do not want to. Simply managing your energy to get through these types of interactions may be the best you can do right now, and that’s absolutely fine. You have the right to take tiny steps and to move at your own pace at a time like this.