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Top Regrets of the Dying

Written by .

16 minute read

It is commonly encountered that those who are dying begin to express regrets about the way they have lived their lives. It’s a very powerful philosophical idea that, to reach the end of our life without fear of death means that we have lived it well. As a result, we fear the idea of having dying regrets, as it might suggest that we have not lived our lives ‘correctly’, and that it’s now too late to fix it.

In this article, we will discuss some of the top regrets of the dying. It might be that you are reading this article because you feel that you are approaching the end of your life, and you would like to avoid having regrets of your own. If we can help you in any small way with confronting your regrets, helping you to unlock more from your end-of-life planning experience, then we would be most glad to be of assistance.

 

Understanding regrets of the dying

The last thing that any of us want to be doing when we are aware that we are dying is dwelling on things we wish we had said or done when we had the chance. Regrets can range from the trivial to the serious, and how much they weigh on us will depend on the situation and on the person.

By reflecting on whether or not we have regrets, in good time, we can give ourselves the chance to live a more meaningful life. We can do that by resolving some of the things that we feel we have left undone until now, thereby giving us peace of mind and sense of having crossed something off of our list. We may also, rather than ‘fixing’ something that needs to be fixed, instead simply come to terms with the situation, and accept it for what it was. Having a more reflective and understanding attitude towards ourselves regarding the mistakes we may have made in our earlier life can also bring us a sense of peace.

Often, simply opening up and having conversations is a great way to confront our regrets proactively. For instance, many of us struggle with emotional intimacy, and worry that we have not told those in our lives who mean a lot to us exactly that; that we love them, cherish them, and are grateful for everything that they’ve done for us. Talking about death and dying with your loved ones is often a good way to start, as it can open a discussion in general about death, and lead into specific matters. You might find that, in starting a conversation about death with your family, you will be able to grapple with the matters you fear you will end up regretting.

Georgina Scull wrote what is now a rather famous book called Regrets of the Dying: Stories and Wisdom that Remind Us How to Live. Following an internal rupture, as a result of which her doctors told her that she was lucky to be alive, she felt that she had been given a second chance to live her life. Feeling both a keen sense of realisation that she had wasted a lot of her allotted precious time, and a keen desire to move forward with more purpose than ever before, she began to gather the stories of the regretful dying. Her book about the top regrets of the dying helps us to understand what we can let go of, what regrets we all tend to end up with, and how to die with an understanding of what it means to live well.

 

Top 5 regrets of the dying

Whilst what we each individually regret will be influenced by all kinds of environmental factors, as well as our cultural preferences and beliefs, there are five regrets which are more popular than any other. That many of us have dying regrets is, quite simply, a common psychological fact about death. They relate to being more true to ourselves; having better work–life balance; expressing our feelings more effectively; remaining in touch with our friends; and prioritising our own happiness. Here are some of the top regrets of the dying.

Regret 1: “I wish I’d lived true to myself”

People often feel as if they are living a life that they felt pressure to live, or which other people wanted them to live, rather than the life that they would have truly wanted for themselves. A fairly common manifestation of this would be the pressure that people have historically felt to have children before they were ready. 

In some cultures, particularly more religious ones, people often accept that it is their duty to get married and procreate above many other priorities. The decline of religion in the UK may see this particular cause lessen in relevance, but there are other ways in which we might feel we have not lived a life more true to ourselves. For instance, we might have felt pressure to suppress our sexual preferences, or even simply to turn away from an ambition or profession that we feel we’d have been more suited to.

Regret 2: “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard”

In life we can get sucked into the rat race, or simply submerged by our own careers. Before realising it, we’ve hit retirement age, and we find that, whatever benefits and advantages our work has given us, it has also cost us in unseen ways. Overworking can exact a toll from our closest relationships, causing us to miss important milestones, or even just too many of the little moments of which life is made up.

It’s important, if possible, to bear the impact in mind that (over)working can have upon our personal and social lives. On our deathbeds, we usually don’t reflect on our own high performance or shattered company targets; we think of the first steps or words of our children; we think of dinner parties with friends; and we think of special occasions and milestone moments. One regret people have is that the cupboard of such reflections, when it comes time to say goodbye, is barer than we realised, and now it is too late. 

Regret 3: “I wish I’d expressed my feelings”

One of the most painful regrets that we can face up to is that we didn’t express our feelings clearly or often enough in our most meaningful personal relationships. Contemplating the fact that we haven’t let our parents or our children know exactly how much we have always loved them can be very painful. But it is never too late to say what needs to be said. If we feel that we may need help to express ourselves — whether to say “I love you”, or even “I am sorry” — there are options we can rely on. 

For instance, one of the main functions of a good death doula is to help facilitate important conversations like this, which may have been sparked by the imminence of death. They can help families to create a safe space, and to provide an objective presence steadying an atmosphere that could otherwise veer into tension and conflict. In particular, it can be of great help when coping with the death of a parent, for instance, to know that they loved us. Therefore it’s important not to underestimate the lasting worth of such a conversation.

Regret 4: “I wish I’d stayed in touch with friends”

Loneliness is a fast developing epidemic in our society, with the long, slow power even to kill. Neglecting to build lasting bonds of friendship can leave us more susceptible to various health conditions, and with weaker immune systems. Having friends, and satisfying friendships, is linked to being healthier and more resilient. Indeed, our social ties can be one of our most important pillars of strength when facing difficulty, or dealing with grief.

Inevitably, when we are dying, we can begin to reminisce and wonder why we have allowed ourselves to fall out of touch with people we used to be close to, such as old school friends. Often, it’s not the loss of the friendship itself we regret, more the apparently trivial or inattentive way in which our prior connection was allowed to fade. A big theme of regrets in general is ‘waste’ — wasted time or energy or opportunity — and wasting the opportunity to develop a meaningful friendship can be a difficult regret to face.

Regret 5: “I wish I’d let myself be happier”

Perhaps the chief regret we have, which in all likelihood overlaps with all of the others, concerns allowing ourselves to be happy. Often we fear our own happiness because of the prospect of losing it eventually, or else we feel too afraid to make the changes in our lives which we’d need to in order to truly be happy. Others feel stifled and beaten down by a routine, only to realise all too late that, because of the choices they’ve already made in life, it’s too late to pursue true happiness.

The only antidote to this regret is to embrace joy and happiness, living in the moment as far as you possibly can. Unless you believe you deserve happiness, and that you have right to it, you will never fully realise its boon to your health and life in all its joyfulness.

Stained glass window
Dying with regrets is a very common scenario, and one that many of us fear.

Common themes in the top regrets of the dying regrets

One of the most powerful themes in dying regrets is that of waste. The sensation of regret appears to stem from the realisation itself that we have wasted something: our time; our whole life; our friendships; our chance to find love; discover our passions; develop a career that makes a difference rather than pays the bills.

We may also feel deep regret at having let fear win, or, at the very least, having not been strong enough to resist social expectations that never served us. Rather than studying sculpture techniques and becoming an artist, we gave in to the expectations of those around us, studying engineering instead. Even if we were successful in our career, and in some ways thankful to those around us for their concern and influence, we may yet regret the cost of our decision.

The cultural, social, or religious backgrounds we come from, and the norms with which we are raised, are the first and broadest strokes upon the blank canvas with which we start life. It can be hard to break out of the baseline that this sets for us, and, later in life, once we finally begin to know ourselves, we see how it has influenced us in an untold number of ways. In that sense, we may regret the length of time it took us to see what would truly make us happy.

Self-reflection — understanding how you led yourself to your current point — is a valuable skill that can help you to come to terms with any regrets you might have, and even to resolve them and avoid creating new ones
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Lessons from the dying to the living

Those who are dying can pass on a variety of useful lessons to those of us still living. Much of the most useful and memorable advice which our loved ones can pass to us comes to us from their death beds. General themes of such advice may be about how to live with purpose; how to build and maintain relationships; and how to embrace happiness and let go of any regrets we ourselves currently have.

Living with purpose

Many ‘bonne mots’ and witticisms have emerged from the death bed. The Roman emperor Vespasian is supposed to have said, “Oh dear, I think I am becoming a God” – in other words, “Oh no, I seem to be dying”, given that emperors were usually deified upon their deaths. Oscar Wilde apparently said, “My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go”, in typically witty fashion.

Alluding to regret, perhaps, was Karl Marx, who is meant to have said: “Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough.” Living with purpose is the best way to make an impact, and to reach death with the feeling that we have, indeed, said (or done) enough. The best way to do this is to follow your dreams as best as you can, and to live authentically to your own lived experiences and perspective.

Building and maintaining relationships

“Oh, I am not going to die, am I? He will not separate us, we have been so happy”. These are apparently the last words spoken by Charlotte Brontë, referring to her husband. How sad, and yet how beautiful, to approach death and only to feel regret at having our shared life with our partner end before we want it to. This quote speaks loudly to the importance of shaping lasting bonds, whether of family, of love, or of friendship. To quote the Smith’s Morrissey, “Life is very long when you’re lonely.”

Take what time you can to rekindle old friendships that may have been lost, and to deepen current ones. There’s nothing to lose by simply reaching out to someone you used to know on social media with the honest intention of reaching out and catching up again. Similarly, with existing friends whom you want to hold a little closer to yourself, speaking your mind can help them to understand how important they are to you, and, ultimately, to spending more time with you.

Embracing happiness and letting go of regret

The last words of Marie Curie herself are said to be, “I joyfully await the exit — and I hope never to return.” True joy in life is reflected in our own joy in death, which is surely what is beautiful about death. If we can arrive at the moment of our death without wearing any of the heaviness of our life — which all of us carry in some shape or form — then we will be truly immune from regret. By focusing on what we are grateful for from our lives, and by adopting a more mindful posture towards our own perceived failings or inadequacies, we can combat the feeling of regret that can take hold of us as we approach our own death.

 

Reflections from literature about death and regret

Aura’s own founder, Paul Jameson, knows a thing or two about facing up to regrets and mortality. Back in 2017, Paul’s life was thrown into disarray by his unexpected diagnosis with motor neurone disease. Refusing to be defeated, and determined to turn his pain into a positive, he established Aura back in 2019, alongside his son, David (our CEO), and a family friend called Ben (our COO). 

Paul movingly reflected on his struggles with MND, and with end-of-life planning in general, in his memoir, Very Much Alive. To quote Paul as he reflects on the randomness of the time allotted to us, not just if inflicted by terminal illness, but on life in general: 

“I can’t attribute the fact that I’m still alive and kicking to the power of thinking positively, or offer any magic formula for living longer after a terminal diagnosis. What I can try to do is demonstrate that, however long you have left, taking a positive approach allows you to make the most of it. And express my gratitude for the ‘extra time’ I have been granted.”

Embedded in Paul’s reflections are the ideas of positivity and gratitude discussed above. Paul acknowledges his luck in life, despite this diagnosis. Indeed, the hand he has been dealt, which could have understandably overwhelmed him with despair, has pushed him to find a new lust for life, creating and fulfilling an impressive bucket list. He has since scaled Mount Kilimanjaro; sang on opera aria on stage, and raised over a quarter of a million pounds for charity.

Regret, ultimately, is a form of self-pity, and whilst it is natural to dwell on regrets that we might have, too much of this introspection can be harmful and self-destructive.

 

Aura for your future

We hope that you have found this article about the top regrets of the dying useful and insightful. Following on from Paul’s reflection, Aura’s mission is always to offer a quality of service that is never less than what Paul would expect for his own family. Our wonderful, industry-leading, compassionate Aura Angel team drives the big success of our company. We are currently the top-rated, national ‘Cremation Services’ provider on consumer ratings site, Trustpilot, with a rating of 4.9/5 stars.

Aura’s funerals are available both at the point of immediate need for those families which have suffered a very recent bereavement, through our direct cremation services. They are also available to those thinking ahead about their own funeral, through our prepaid funeral plans. A big element of end-of-life planning — and a big regret it would be best to avoid — is to give sufficient thought to your own funeral. If you were to die without a funeral plan in place, your family may need to step in and make decisions about your funeral on your behalf, as well as to pay for it out of their own pockets. 

Getting everything sorted in advance is a great way to have peace of mind for yourself, and to give that gift to your own family. Having peace of mind about your own funeral arrangements can give you the headspace and perspective you need to confront your regrets, or to move on from them and embrace your own happiness.

If you’d like to see whether Aura can help you with your own funeral plan needs, why not download our brochure today? Take your time with it, and let us know if you have any questions. We’d be very pleased to lend a hand.

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