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Written by Adam McIlroy.
13 minute read
Before we attend a funeral, we might experience a flurry of last-minute questions about what we should do when we are there, or how we should behave. We are usually so focused on our grief that we might let these seemingly less important matters slip to the back of our minds. In this article we are going to address some of these funeral etiquette matters, including what to take to a funeral and what to avoid bringing to a funeral.
We’d also just like to recognise that, if you’re reading this article, we understand that you may have been recently bereaved and that you are due to attend a funeral soon. Aura is here to help.
Key takeaways:
Funerals are one of the occasions we treat with the most reverence, with mourners likely to be laying bare their emotional state for all to see. The content of the ceremony is also likely to be profound, and to be seen as the last opportunity to do the person who has died justice in all the ways they’ve loved and cared for those who’ve come to mourn.
For this reason, being mentally and physically prepared for a funeral is very important. In general, you should aim to be respectful in how you dress and conduct yourself around those grieving during the funeral service. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you should wear black — more and more these days, families don’t actually want that — but that you should respect any dress code that has been specified.
Your outward demeanour and manner should also reflect the feeling that is more generally evident at the gathering. Again, it doesn’t mean that you should be outwardly excessively or performatively sad if that’s not the feeling on the day — families more and more are looking for a celebratory or uplifting tone. Try to adhere to the beliefs on death and funerals that are practiced by the family as far as possible. For instance, if you are attending a muslim funeral, you may wish to bring food or anything else which could be considered useful for the family as they aim to deal with their grief.
Is it okay to take traditional items to funerals, such as flowers; sympathy cards; or donations and charitable contributions?
When someone dies, for instance if we experience the unexpected death of a loved one, we often feel the need to snap into action and show the family that we care. One of the ways that we can do that is to bring flowers, as a beautiful, colourful tribute to the person who has died, and to bring comfort to the family. The only things to bear in mind are that, firstly, the family might have specified in the funeral invitation, or when they were announcing the death to friends and family that they would prefer not to receive flowers. If everyone has the same idea, it’s not hard to see how this could end up becoming overwhelming.
There may also be religious or cultural reasons why flowers are not appropriate; for instance, at certain orthodox jewish or at muslim funerals. It’s important to be aware of this.
Sympathy cards and condolence messages are a great way for you to send love and support from afar, for instance, if you are unable to attend in person. A message that is heartfelt and written down can be kept by the family (we address our condolences to the family of the person who has died, not the person themselves) and be used as a constant source of comfort in years to come.
If you feel that a card is not appropriate, you could always send a video message. This allows you to use the sound of your voice and your facial expressions and body language to deliver a more emotionally resonant message.
If you do attend in person and give a sympathy card, consider adding a short anecdote or memory you have of the person. Sharing a special memory can be very comforting to the family and makes your message more personal. Keep your message heartfelt and respectful – the goal is to celebrate the person’s life in a gentle, thoughtful way.
Families might recommend making donations to a charitable cause that was dear to the person who has died instead of gestures like floral tributes. This allows some lasting good to be in their name in a way that they would have supported in life. Keep an eye on the funeral notice provided by the family for any direction toward specific charity donations or funeral flowers. The person who has died may have made mention of charities they’d like to include in their will on a funeral arrangements checklist made before they died.
If you choose to make a donation at the funeral, remember to bring some cash (or a cheque), as there may be a collection box or charity representative there. Many venues may not have card payment facilities. Any amount is appreciated – families don’t expect a large sum; it’s the thought and gesture that truly matters.
In addition to traditional gestures, you might like to bring a personal tribute that honours the person who has died.
You might bring a favourite photo of you with the person who has died, or a small keepsake that reminds you of them, to quietly share with their family. These personal gestures are best shared discreetly and respectfully, perhaps after the ceremony or at the wake, so they don’t distract from the service. If you’re unsure, it’s always okay to check with the family or the funeral director.
You could also consider writing a short letter about your loved one – sharing a memory or something they meant to you – and giving it to the family. These notes often become cherished keepsakes that provide comfort well after the day of the funeral.
If you’re thinking about what to bring to a funeral for family, a personal note, a photo, or a shared memory can offer deep comfort. These gestures don’t have to be grand — it’s the thought and care that matter most.
You may wish to bring certain items with you to a funeral for your own needs, such as tissues and personal essentials; or a funeral program or an order of service. There are certain things that you should aim to avoid bringing too.
If you’re wondering what to take to a funeral for yourself, there are certain obvious personal items that can boost your comfort during the ceremony itself. For instance, you may wish to bring a handkerchief or a packet of tissues which you can turn to if you become emotionally overwhelmed. Funeral ceremonies are often filled with different emotional moments, such as a eulogy, funeral songs, or funeral poems which can all cause our emotions to spike. In these moments, to keep yourself composed, tissues can be useful.
You may also wish to take a bottle of water with you, particularly if the funeral is happening in the summer, as the venue could become stuffy. We’d all like to be able to focus on what’s happening, and on grieving in the moment, rather than on worrying about being thirsty.
When dressing, aim to strike a balance between comfort and formality, such as by choosing shoes that won’t hurt your feet. Dress for the weather and comfort – for instance, if the service is outdoors or the sun is strong, you might bring sunglasses; if rain is forecast, carry a small umbrella just in case. Sunglasses can also offer a bit of privacy if you become tearful, and an umbrella ensures you aren’t distracted by weather conditions. Choose subtle items: a small umbrella rather than one that blocks views, and simple sunglasses instead of novelty styles.
At a funeral, you will often receive a printed program or order of service which will explain the order of the different elements that will make up the ceremony. Often they have a photograph of the person who has died on the cover, as well as the name of the place where the funeral will occur and the date. These documents make a good keepsake for the day, or it could be shared with those who were unable to attend so that they can feel as if they have something tangible from the day itself.
Knowing what not to bring to a funeral is just as important as knowing what to bring. The focus should always be on the person who has died and the family’s wishes. Here are some things to avoid:
Attention-grabbing outfits
Noisy or disruptive items
Phones and cameras
Managing young children
Keeping these points in mind helps create a respectful environment for everyone attending and ensures the focus remains where it should be – on honouring the person who has died and supporting their loved ones.
In general, when attending a funeral, there are some common-sense things you can do to make sure that you adhere to funeral etiquette. For instance, by arriving earlier than you ordinarily would at any other event, you can avoid arriving late to funeral proceedings. Remember that, on a day with emotions as heightened as they are likely to be at a funeral, the impact of any potential faux-pas or slight, could be exaggerated, and potentially remembered forever by the family.
It’s generally expected that people will instinctively know how to behave well at a funeral, so there probably won’t be a lot of specific guidance from the family in the invite or order of service. With that said, families will sometimes provide extra guidance, for instance on dress-code. Make sure to follow this advice if you can.
We hope you have found this article about what to take to a funeral useful. If you don’t feel comfortable bringing anything more than just a few personal items, don’t feel any pressure to go out of your way to bring anything. The family organising the funeral service will simply be grateful to have you there paying your respects.
Aura is a provider of direct cremation funerals. In fact, we are the top-rated ‘Cremation Services’ provider on consumer ratings platform Trustpilot, with a rating of 4.9/5 stars. We provide our services to those seeking direct cremations in the here and now for those who have passed away very recently, and to those seeking something for their own future, via our prepaid funeral plans. We’ve earned our high ratings through our uniquely compassionate delivery of high-quality, low-cost services. The industry-leading Aura Angel team will be there to accompany families in either case through all the trials and tribulations of funeral arranging, offering logistical, administrative and emotional support.
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Bring items that help you feel comfortable and respectful during the service, such as:
Tissues or a handkerchief
A bottle of water (especially in warm weather)
Funeral program/order of service (often provided on the day)
Sympathy card or condolence message (if appropriate)
Flowers (only if the family has welcomed them)
Not always. Some families may request no flowers, or religious customs may prohibit them (e.g. at certain Muslim or Orthodox Jewish funerals). Always check the invitation or ask the family first.
Avoid anything that might be distracting or inappropriate:
Noisy electronics or devices
Tablets for children (unless essential and kept silent)
Snacks or meals
Unapproved photography or video recording equipment
Attention-grabbing clothing or gifts
When in doubt, opt for simplicity and respect.
Unless stated otherwise, wear modest, subdued clothing — but don’t assume it must be black. Many modern funerals request colourful attire or clothing that reflects the personality of the person who died. Follow any specific instructions from the family.
A small, thoughtful gift — such as a photo, memory card, or letter — may be appreciated. Humorous or personal items should be chosen with care. Always consider the tone of the funeral and the family’s preferences.
Yes. Many families now ask for charity donations in lieu of flowers. Check the funeral notice for any listed causes the person supported, or reach out to the family if unsure.
While this article focuses on funerals, many of the same principles apply to memorial services too. If you’re wondering what to take to a memorial service, aim for the same approach: something respectful, simple, and in line with any wishes shared by the family.