What to Say When Someone Dies: Kind, Real Words

Navigating the first few days and weeks after someone has died may feel impossible at the time, and that’s okay. One of the hardest parts is realising that there are others around you who are grieving and mourning too, and that they may need to turn to you for support and comfort at times. 

The deeply personal nature of coping with loss means that we all move forward in our own way, with many of us finding that reaching out to others helps. If you can be there for someone else, you may find that it allows you to reflect so that you can start healing. Knowing what to say when someone dies and how to comfort others is something that may help make the journey feel a little less daunting. 

As providers of direct cremation services, we speak with people who are experiencing the most profound grief and sorrow on a daily basis. Our team believes in a kind and compassionate approach, and we have found many ways to provide comfort through nothing more than the power of words. What to say to someone who’s grieving is not always the most intuitive. The right words often feel just out of reach, especially when silence feels safer than saying the wrong thing. We hope that by sharing some with you today, we can help you to help others. 

Key takeaways:

• Simple, genuine phrases are often most comforting.
• Consider tone, timing, and relationship when offering support.
• Avoid clichés and don’t try to ‘fix’ their grief.
• Presence and practical help can be more meaningful than words.
• Active listening with compassion is crucial.

Understanding the role of language in times of loss

Finding the right words after someone dies is often difficult and emotionally charged. Words do matter in terms of a variety of emotional, social, and cultural factors, and they shape how we express sympathy and comfort one another. 

The unexpected death of a loved one may force many of us to confront uncomfortable situations and conversations that we have had no time to prepare for. Many of us may feel that we are unable to find the words others need to hear, and this is something that could make us feel like we shouldn’t reach out to the same degree as we normally would. 

Taking a step back and thinking about your choice of words may help others as well as help you to clarify your thoughts and feelings. Starting with a few simple considerations may help you to make some progress:

• Thinking about the importance of tone may help you to adopt the right approach. 
• Understanding nuances of timing could help you decide when to reach out. 
• Considering the nature of the relationship when offering condolences messages may help you choose words you feel are appropriate. 

The more you feel able to sit and think about each of these, the easier you may find it to adapt your approach to the person who needs you. Doing so may also help you to open up and express your own thoughts and feelings at this tender time. 

Things to say when someone has died: simple and thoughtful phrases

The act of talking about death and dying is something that many of us don’t find ourselves thinking about until we are confronted by it. This means that it is normal  if you feel caught off guard or unable to think clearly, given what has just happened. There may also be a deep sense of shock for many of us when someone we love dies. Breaking down the different types of responses may help you move forward one step at a time.

Immediate, spoken responses

If you are attempting to console someone when their loved one has recently died, an immediate spoken response may be the best course of action. The same is true if you have to tell them that their loved one has died and are trying to figure out how to break bad news.

Simple, sincere expressions such as “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “Thinking of you right now” are perfectly acceptable. You may feel that being so brief may make your message sound uncaring, but brevity is something that is often appreciated at such times. It also makes it clear that you are not expecting a response from the person you are addressing. That way, they won’t feel any pressure to reply when they are in processing their loss.

Focusing on sincerity, hitting a gentle tone, and being present in the moment with them are all things that can help. You may also want to tailor what you say and how you deliver it to suit the specific relationship you have with the person you are trying to comfort. 

Writing a condolence message or card

One of the most difficult aspects of coping with grief is that it is natural for many of us to instinctively withdraw. If you find that someone you care about is less social or present than normal, reaching out to them with a short condolence message with a sympathy card or written message may help. 

Using gentle, compassionate language that acknowledges someone’s grief without trying to ‘fix’ it can help you find the right way to start. Even if it feels like staying quiet or not offering comfort is letting your loved one down, pushing to make things better might do more harm than good. No words will take away the pain they’re feeling right now. Trying to stay upbeat or cheery can make their grief feel dismissed or overlooked. What they often need most is your presence, not a solution.

Words that may not help someone who’s grieving

Common phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” can unintentionally make someone feel their pain is being brushed aside—even if that’s the opposite of what you meant. Avoiding clichés and choosing words that feel personal and considered shows that you’ve truly thought about what they’re going through. It helps them feel seen, not managed.

While we’re not here to tell you what to say, thinking in these terms might help:

• Lead with empathy. The most important thing is to show your loved one that you’re there for them, no matter how they’re feeling.
• Resist the urge to fix it. Trying to make things better can sometimes come across as dismissing their emotions, even if your heart is in the right place.
• Avoid explaining the loss. Saying things that suggest you understand exactly what they’re going through can feel distancing or even insensitive, especially if the experience isn’t yours.

Like we say, we never wish to direct how you grieve or how you help others, but taking a moment to reflect on these three key points may really help. If nothing else, they could serve to clarify your own thinking so that you understand how you are feeling and why. 

Comforting through presence and practical support

When you pause to consider what your friend or relative truly needs, the answer is often simple: you. It’s easy to get caught up in finding the perfect words or making a grand gesture, but that can delay what matters most.

Taking a step back can help you realise that your presence: quiet, steady and sincere, is what brings the most comfort. Cards and messages have their place but it’s the way you show up that stays with someone who is grieving.

Actions that speak when words don’t feel like enough 

You don’t have to know how to start a conversation about death and then counsel someone through the full range of their emotions to make them feel supported. In fact, depending on the nature of your relationship, this may well turn out to be the last thing they want from you. You may find it helps to consider some of the common ways people reach out and offer to help: 

• Bringing over an evening meal can help remove one of the daily tasks that may be too much right now.
• Proactively running errands rather than waiting to be asked could show the person you’re helping that they can rely on you. 
• Being thoughtful with any follow-up support you feel able to offer beyond the initial days of mourning could also help. 

In many ways, a caring presence can be more meaningful than words because it shows the person you are trying to help that you are there for them. Nothing is open to interpretation or there to be thought over at length — they will see you doing something to help them and appreciate the gesture. 

Listening with compassion

When someone is faced with the grief and upset that comes from losing a friend, it may be tempting to try to ‘fix’ things for them. While you no doubt have the best of intentions, the last thing we want to do here is unintentionally minimise their feelings or dismiss how they are feeling. Actively listening with compassion and being emotionally available is a solution to this and is something that you may find also helps you to sit with your own feelings. 

Active listening while being quietly present without feeling the need to offer advice or encouragement is a skill, but one that can be practised. Starting by simply acknowledging their pain is a way to show compassion that will help them see that you understand them. Being there on a consistent basis and letting them know they can use you as a sounding board may also help. It gives them a space in which they can voice how they feel and start processing their emotions.

Speaking to different people in grief

The way we talk and open up naturally depends on who we are talking to. If you’re unsure about which way to address someone, you may find that listening to a couple of the many thoughtful grief podcasts helps. It could give you a chance to connect with different ways of approaching the topic and opening up so that you can tailor your own approach. 

Comforting a close friend or family member

The closer you are to the person you are connected with, the more personalised your message may turn out to be. Taking a moment to reflect on your shared history and the mourner’s unique relationship with the person who has died may help them see that you are aware of the full extent of their grief. 

While you may have a very casual way of talking to one another, moving to a more sincere, emotionally attuned approach to choosing your words may help here. If they respond to you in a way that is more in line with how you usually address one another, by all means, reply in kind. But the initial message and show of support may be best in slightly more reserved, gentle language. If nothing else, it will ensure that your attempt to reach out and lift their mood doesn’t cause offence by coming across as insensitive. 

Supporting a colleague, neighbour or acquaintance

There are also many people in our lives who may not tell us right away that someone they are very close to and love has died. If you have never thought about what to say to someone going to a funeral, but then learn that a colleague will be attending one soon, you may be unsure about what to do next. 

Many people find that simply acknowledging the loss and using kind, sincere language is the best way to show compassion. One of the harder things to judge is how close you are to the person you’re speaking to, as this can guide how you express yourself. For example, if it’s a senior colleague you wouldn’t usually see outside of work, it may feel more appropriate to be thoughtful but reserved. In contrast, if it’s someone you’re close to a peer you also consider a friend, it’s often right to be a little more open and emotionally supportive.

Avoiding overfamiliarity

Being emotionally open and choosing warm, understanding words can sometimes make someone uncomfortable, especially if the relationship isn’t particularly close. It’s not always easy to recognise when you’re being too familiar, but the person you’re speaking to is likely to notice it right away. The challenge is that there’s no clear rule for judging how personal your language should be. That’s why it’s often safer to err on the side of caution. Being slightly more reserved than you feel is necessary can help you avoid making the other person feel uneasy. 

Culturally sensitive and respectful communication

Knowing what to say when someone loses a parent or other loved one depends on how close you are to the person, but also the culture, faith, or belief system that forms part of their life. Trying to be mindful of cultural nuances and religious practices is something that is important, but also something that we fully appreciate is easier said than done.

During the course of our work helping to provide prepaid funeral plans for those who are still alive, we have the privilege of learning about all manner of cultures and traditions. The one thing that unites them all is how the sense of familiarity that they provide offers a great deal of comfort to the family and next of kin during a time of great uncertainty. Having some degree of awareness, as best as you can, that people grieve and mourn in different ways may help you to strike the right balance. 

A close friend with a different cultural heritage may greatly appreciate any efforts you make because it will show them that you are being thoughtful and respectful. It’s also a gesture that may help to make them feel heard and validated at a time when they may feel like no one is there for them. You may also find that they then feel more comfortable sharing your words with members of their extended family, which in turn helps them to open up more. This could make a real difference to the way they navigate the first few weeks as they process the initial shock and gradually start to process how they are feeling inside. 

Aura is here to help 

We want you to know that we are here for you in so many more capacities than you might expect from a family-run funeral provider. While we focus on practical issues and help with tasks such as when you want to *compare funeral plans, we also believe in being a kind and compassionate presence throughout the process. In our experience, it’s the only way to treat mourners with the respect and dignity that they deserve. 

By reading our guide, we hope that you have found some words of comfort and meaning that may help you move forward on your healing journey. Even something as little as seeing the flicker of a smile on a loved one’s face when you share a few supportive words with them can also help you. It’s about giving yourself permission to think about yourself while also helping other people you love, and it’s a proven way to heal on a deeper level. 

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