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Written by Emily Cross.
16 minute read
The death of a friend may feel like a death in the family, especially if you had a deep and longstanding relationship with them and they have been a major part of your life for some time. Maybe you’re reading this because you’re trying to write a eulogy for a friend, someone, whose presence shaped your days and whose loss leaves a space no one else can fill.
It’s perfectly natural to face a swirl of emotions that pull you in different directions, and knowing how to take the next step may feel far from simple. Grieving at a pace that feels right for you, without pressure, matters more than you might think. There will be moments when you feel you’ve made progress, only to be taken by surprise when grief returns with fresh intensity. Allowing yourself time, space, and small acts of self-care can help you keep steady. Little by little, understanding how grief can shift over time may help you move through this painful chapter with more gentleness towards yourself.
Over the course of many years of providing direct cremation services, we have spoken to people who have approached the death of a friend in a wide array of different ways. By sitting and thinking about each of these approaches, we have compiled a guide that we hope will provide help, support, and comfort at this difficult time. If you feel emotionally ready, working through it one section at a time may help you to find a path forward.
Key takeaways:
As a family-run funeral provider that cares about much more than just the practical side of things, we want you to know we are always here for you. Our goal is to offer a comprehensive range of help and support at a time when it is perfectly understandable if you find yourself struggling.
The death of a friend can deeply affect your emotional health and mental well-being, especially if they were a major presence in your life. Even if your friend wasn’t part of your daily routine, you may still feel a significant sense of loss on hearing they have died.
Grief can take many forms, shaped by the nature of your friendship, your personality, and the other events happening in your life. The type of grief you feel, and how it compares to that of other mutual friends, is not the focus here — all forms of grief and approaches to mourning are equally valid. Grief may bring intense emotions and very personal responses. You have the right to experience and express your feelings in a way that feels natural to you, and no one should judge you for doing so.
One of the most common feelings after hearing a friend has died is a sense of being lost. Friends often become our confidants, sounding boards, and social anchors. If a friend has been a consistent presence in your life, discovering that your journey together has come to an end may leave you feeling unsure of what to do next. This is perfectly normal and is in no way a judgement on your relationships with others.
The act of remembering a friend who has died is something that many of us will have to face at some point during the course of our lives, but knowing which direction to take may feel like it is something that is easier said than done. One reason is that we each grieve differently, and grieving often goes hand in hand with remembering your friend and celebrating the life they lived.
While everyone will experience their own range of emotions, it may help to know you are not alone. Here are some feelings people have shared with us over the years:
Grief can also affect the body. You might feel low in mood, struggle to sleep, or feel so tired that even small tasks feel heavy. Over time, these feelings can shift, even if it does not seem possible right now.
There is no need to rush back to what others might call “normal”. Grief is personal and does not work to a timetable. There will be ways to move forward when you feel ready, but no one should push you before that moment comes. You deserve space and patience as you find your own way through.
There are many people who find that talking about death and dying helps, but there are also many others who feel that they would rather not open up right now. Both approaches are valid and understandable, and it’s finding a path forward that works for you that really matters here. With this in mind, you may find it helpful to briefly consider a couple of the following options:
If you feel more comfortable sticking with your primary friendship group, that is also okay. Shared memories and collective support can be healing. Meeting up informally for tea or coffee, and sharing stories, may help you through your grieving journey.
Learning how to go about coping with grief when a close friend dies is something that we all approach in a variety of different ways. If you want to focus on remembrance and paying tribute to them by honouring their life with a memorial service or similar gathering either online or in person, you may find the following section helpful. Our goal here is to show you that there are a wide variety of different paths you could take, not to try and convince you that any one particular path is best. If you read this section and find that you don’t wish to proceed in this way, please don’t feel any pressure to do so.
It may help to work on a collective project or informal gathering with several mutual friends so that you can come together and express how each of you feels. Here are some ways that you may wish to consider:
Taking your time to sit and reflect on each of these ideas may also give you some degree of space within which you can begin working through your deeper feelings. Talking to a couple of friends about your ideas may help you arrive at an idea that you all feel comfortable with and that you want to pursue further. Being mindful of different opinions, points of view, and perspectives at this difficult time is also something you may wish to do.
When you are remembering a friend who died, there are so many options and choices that it is natural if you find things a little daunting. You may feel like you resonate with the concept that love remains after loss and that friendship transcends time, in which case, you may feel that finding something that feels right is even more important.
If you want to create a lasting legacy that gives you and your friends something to hold onto so that you feel like your friend is still with you in some way, these suggestions may be worth consideration:
A key part of your friend’s legacy will also be how their wider circle of friends and family come together to remember them at their funeral or memorial service. Many next of kin and close family members derive great comfort from knowing that their loved one has such a close-knit and caring circle of friends, and they may ask for your assistance.
Sometimes they may ask for your input on practical matters, such as having a look at our guide where we compare funeral plans, or helping to organise flowers and music. Another common request made by many families is for the best friend to write and deliver the eulogy as one of the main parts of the service. Learning how to write a eulogy for a friend is something you can take on one step at a time, and doing so may help you to start coming to terms with how you are feeling and what comes next.
You may find that reading grief poems for healing helps provide you with new perspectives and ways of articulating your feelings. Others find that they want to take this a little further and start composing their own lines and verses to help them process their emotions. Even if you are not someone who has ever given much thought to poetry, you may find that sitting with a book and then pulling out a pen and paper serves as a peaceful activity.
Some choose to immerse themselves in some of the age-old stories about death in search of expressions of grief and emotions around mourning that resonate with them. There is, of course, no pressure to do so, and there are other ways of expressing your grief through words that you may find helpful:
If you feel that you resonate with the therapeutic power of expressing grief in writing, it’s an activity that can give you complete freedom. The page is your own, and you can allow the format and your style to evolve naturally as your healing journey evolves.
There are a wide variety of comforting quotes and short verses about losing a friend that you may also find helpful. Here are some that may resonate with you and describe how you are feeling right now:
If you find a short passage that conveys how you are feeling, you may wish to offer it as a reading at the funeral or memorial. Doing so could help you to find something to ground yourself to as you start to process what the service meant to you and how it was seen by your fellow mourners. These types of exercises may also help you to continue your grief and healing journey in a way that allows you to feel validated and heard.
When a friend dies, it can feel like a part of you has gone too. Healing does not mean ignoring those feelings. You might instead see it as a path where your memories comfort you.
In time, grief can soften, allowing you to focus on celebrating your friend’s life. Some people even choose to live in a way that feels like a tribute to their friend. That connection may stay with you forever, helping you carry on.
Grief can stay with you for weeks, months, or even years, but you might also see it as a reflection of how deeply you loved your friend. Long-term grief is in no way a sign that you are someone who is unable to cope or that you are indulging yourself too much. You only have to look at some of the thoughtfully written books about death to see that grief is something people from all walks of life struggle with in a variety of ways.
While there are five stages of grief that many people report experiencing, the journey is not the same for everyone. For example, finding out that a friend passed away before you had the chance to make peace with them is very different from gradually coming to terms with the death of a friend who has been poorly for some time. These two different points may then cause the healing journey to differ rather a lot, meaning that those on two separate paths may see little or nothing of their own journey reflected in the experience of someone else.
Grief changes shape and makes us feel different ways at different times, and sitting with it is something that may feel like it is easier said than done. Grief can also come back at unexpected times, such as the first death anniversary, seeing an old photo, or even meeting a sibling with the same mannerisms as your friend. Revisiting earlier steps of the grieving and healing journey in this way is not a sign that you are regressing — grief takes us on these detours from time to time.
You may find it helps to picture emotional waves that continually come to you in various sizes and frequencies as the years go by. Grief is something that may never fully leave you, and that’s okay. Being aware of the fact that you may instead grow around grief may help you to be kinder to yourself when you may feel things are going backwards. They are not; this is a natural part of grieving a good friend who has died.
Finding ways to keep your friend’s spirit present in daily life is something that may provide a great deal of reassurance. Simple things like having a picture of them you can look at when at home or on your phone, lighting a candle on important dates, or watching their favourite movie from time to time could all help.
The emotional connection may also grow more reflective over time, allowing you to move beyond consistent sorrow and more towards celebrating and honouring your friend. Trying not to put any pressure on yourself to undergo this type of shift is really important. It will allow you to be kind to yourself at a time when you may be feeling like you have to constantly compare yourself to other people. Remembering that grief and healing are personal journeys that can evolve any way you wish really matters here.
The death of a friend is something it is natural to feel unprepared for, especially if you are the same age and thought you had many more years together ahead of you. When someone your own age dies, you may start to think about your own affairs and legacy. Again, this is perfectly normal.
If you feel that having a conversation about what you could leave behind may help, our team is always here to explain our *pre-paid funeral plans. They are designed to be flexible, compassionate, and put you in control from the moment you connect.
There is no pressure to use this service, or to follow any of the advice in this guide, but you may find there are some little points that can help. Giving yourself permission to sit with these ideas and to reflect on what they may be able to help you with could ease some aspects of your healing journey.
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Acknowledge your emotions. Feeling numb, isolated, or unable to talk is common. Writing down your thoughts may help you organise them and stop them spiralling.
Yes, this is normal, especially if they had a strong presence in your life. Changes in routine, not being able to call them, or missing them at weekends can all have an impact. Be kind to yourself.
Creating a personal memorial with friends, such as planting a tree, may help. Seeing it grow can give you something positive to hold on to.
Allow yourself to feel everything without comparing your grief to others. Taking a kinder, softer approach to yourself can help you heal.
Yes, Sue Ryder grief support groups, for example, may help you connect with people going through similar experiences. This does not replace your friend but can expand your support network.