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The grieving process is something that looks different for each of us, with there being no one set way to deal with grief. It’s also true that the grieving process is not straightforward. We may encounter many set-backs and false starts along the way, seeming to make progress, only to then one day feel as if we will never feel normal again.
The first birthday after the death of a loved one can be a tricky occasion, likely to trigger a fresh wave of despair. Depending on how close we were to them, it can make us feel as we did on the day we lost them. But there are ways available to us of navigating these emotional challenges. If you’ve found us here, then there’s a good chance that you are concerned about an impending anniversary or birthday of a loved one who has died. We’d just like to say that you are in the right place, and that we can help.
The first birthday after the death of a loved one — whether ours or theirs — can raise all kinds of complicated feelings and emotions. We feel pain for their loss more keenly than ever, as we think of the fact that, had it not been for their death, they would have been beside us — still aging, living, with their story still moving forward. Instead, we are left to ponder their change from living presence beside us into cherished memories within us.
Indeed, if it is our own birthday that we are experiencing, rather than theirs, we may feel as if we are actively progressing through life without them, gaining one more year whilst they remain fixed at the age they had reached when they died. Whilst feeling happiness on our birthday, as is natural, and whilst receiving messages of congratulation and well-wishing from friends and family, our feelings are tinged with sadness. That loved one who was with us, possibly at every other birthday we’ve experienced if we are coping with the death of a parent, is now no longer.
We find the strange mix of grief and celebration hard to express, as we re-mourn their loss at the same time as habitually celebrating the milestone of the birthday. As difficult as this occasion can be, it is important to recognise it, and it can even be a powerful way to continue with the grieving process, acting not just as a milestone in the life of our lost loved one, but also on our own grief journey.
Written messages, whether to others, or to the one you have lost are powerful ways to express your own feelings, as well as to bring comfort to others. It can also help to write for yourself, whether in your own messaging, or by journaling.
You may wish to send yourself a written message of compassion or support to coincide with the first birthday after the death of a loved one, whether your own or theirs. On your own birthday, you can take the chance to send yourself a card or a message which offers comfort about your feelings of grief. When you may be receiving congratulatory messages from your friends and family focusing more on happier sentiments, your own words acknowledging feelings of grief can help to ground you, and to help you feel as if you are not forgetting your loved one, thus allowing you to avoid a sense of guilt.
If on their birthday, something similar can work, although it may also be effective to try journaling. By writing down our feelings, we can productively express ourselves, unburdening our minds of their trapped thoughts, and our hearts of their caged-up sentiments.
When we are grieving, perhaps after the unexpected death of a loved one, we may feel the urge to show our gratitude to that person. We can do this by sharing a message with others. For instance, if the person we have lost is our father, we can write to our mother to express our sadness in loss, but gratitude for everything they did for us. By writing to someone else he knows our pain because they also feel it, our message can bring comfort both to us as the writer, but also to another. This can be an especially meaningful gesture if the other person is not a comfortable writer.
Similarly, we may simply want to take the opportunity of the milestone — whether of our or their birthday — to write a heartfelt and grateful post on social media about them. As with announcing a death to friends, it’s important to be aware of whether it is appropriate or not to share such a post, so if you think it would be a good idea to secure the permission of other close loved ones first, then make sure to do so. Indeed, they may wish to contribute to this post, so it could be polite to give them the chance beforehand. In writing a post in honour of a loved one, try to be as original, genuine, and heartfelt as possible. You may want to share some photos or videos of them to increase the emotion of the post. This idea can give the wider community the chance to share such messages together, as they can comment underneath your post.
It can be a surprisingly therapeutic exercise to write messages and letters to the person who has died, in order to express your enduring feelings of grief, and of missing them. It can bring comfort to you to feel that your words, in some sense, are reaching them. By getting them out of your mind and onto a page, we get a sense of accomplishment, at having communicated with them, as well as a sense of comfort.
If you feel the need to write to a loved one whom you’ve lost, but don’t know what to say, there are a few things you can try. Start by telling them that you miss them, and focus specifically on what you miss about them. Maybe it’s their sense of humour, or their comforting presence? Perhaps you miss their cooking, their company in certain activities, or even just the sound of their voice. It can be restorative and moving to simply let them know.
There are different ways in which you can incorporate healing or grieving themes into celebrating the first birthday after the death of a loved one, whether ours or theirs. You can create a personal ritual; celebrate with other bereaved loved ones who miss the person who has died; and you can ‘give back’ in their honour.
In general, creating a personal ritual is a great way of remembering a loved one. These rituals could have their roots in their funeral, for example if it was themed in a certain way to match their personality or interests. Or it could take its lead from an end-of-life celebration that was held in their honour, themed around their hobbies. For example, if your loved one was a big fan of a certain musician or sports club, you could attend a concert or match that coincides with the week of their birth, with other members of your family. This could be a great way to feel their presence and do something meaningful together.
Simple gestures can also go a long way, such as lighting a candle at a meaningful time, or in a meaningful location in their honour. Taking the time to reflect on them and your relationship with them — on all the ways it has helped you to become the person you are today — can also be a wonderful gesture of remembrance.
Gathering with loved ones is a wonderful way to collectively heal together, giving you all a chance to share your feelings of grief in a safe space. Doing so on your own birthday, or that of your lost loved one, also means that the day has a happy foundation, and a natural safety net preventing it from becoming overwhelmingly sad. The birthday atmosphere can offer the reflections on grief and loss a happy and celebratory air.
This tone can actually facilitate the feeling of turning a corner on our journey with grief, changing the emotional mood music that plays in the background as we reminisce and reflect on our loved one. In some ways, this means that the first birthday after the death of a loved one can actually serve as a springboard into a more joyful, reflective period of grieving which recognises what is beautiful about death.
Volunteering for causes or donating to charities which were dear to the ones we’ve lost in life can be richly rewarding. This kind of activity is an act of love in their name, granting us both the opportunity to reflect on them; to do some objective good for its own sake; and to actively work towards a goal that they themselves were working on before they died.
There are a few meaningful quotes which offer some wisdom on the subject of loss and resilience, which can comfort us on the first birthday after the death of a loved one. Here are just a few:
– “To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die”, Thomas Campbell, Scottish poet.
– “Death ends a life, not a relationship”, Mitch Albom, American author.
– “The last day does not bring extinction to us, but [a] change of place”, Cicero, ancient Roman lawyer and politician.
Many writers from today’s world, and from the ancient world, have plenty of wisdom to share on death and grieving. Indeed, engaging with stories about death is a wonderful way of processing our grief, as is engaging with ancient myths and legends about death. This can be particularly special if we know that our loved one was passionate about some of this material, and it can even be adapted to be even more relevant to who they were for the sake of personalising a message to them.
It can be hard to navigate the emotional challenges which arise on the first birthday after the death of a loved one. We will need to cope with our grief, as well as manage the expectations of others who may be involved in the celebrations.
Depending on how long it has been since our loved one died, it might be that we have begun to make real progress on our grieving journey, perhaps even managing to ride out the initial, most raw shockwaves. Regardless, gathering with others who are also grieving the loss of the same person, whether on your or their special day, could bring those feelings back in a flood of intensity. We will need to lean on our pillars of strength for our resilience when coping with this. We also find that others may want to talk about death and dying, which could have the effect of upsetting us, but could also be incredibly healing.
We can look to manage our grief by talking about it with a therapist, using mental health services through the NHS, or attending local death cafes. It’s important to allow yourself the time you need to grieve properly, and to talk about, whether with loved ones or professionals, if you think that would help.
It can be useful to set boundaries or expectations in advance with those who are likely to attend any birthday celebrations of yours, or any sort of remembrance event coinciding with the birthday of your lost loved one. Especially in the former case, you might be including people who are not as well connected with your family or more private business, such as work colleagues or acquaintances from clubs. As such, it can be helpful to let them know that you are a little more vulnerable than usual and that, whilst you want to celebrate your birthday, you will also be remembering the one you’ve recently lost.
Regardless of whether you are facing the first birthday after the death of a loved one, any special occasion can be tough. Even on anniversaries and Christmas, it’s important to think about and set our intentions for the day in advance. We will also want to balance celebration with remembrance, and to seek support in advance, if necessary.
You can start a conversation about the death of your loved one with your family, being open about what you want from the day. Explain how and to what extent you’d like to make space for reflections on grief and loss amidst the celebrations. Perhaps you could agree in advance to avoid certain topics of conversations you may find upsetting, or else certain activities and venues you fear may trigger upsetting memories or feelings.
By setting your intentions for the day, and encouraging input from your family and friends, you can strike the perfect balance between celebration and grieving.
Incorporate themes of grieving into the celebratory atmosphere, perhaps by giving gifts yourself which relate to the memory of your loved one. It could be a good opportunity, amid the sharing of birthday presents, to distribute valuables and keepsakes derived from cremation ashes ideas to other friends and family. This could give the day a more collective feeling.
You might find it helpful — especially if you anticipate difficulty on the day itself — to seek some help and advice in advance. Cruse Bereavement Support is a charity which offers all kinds of guidance and material on grief which you could find useful. Sue Ryder is another charity offering similar services, but they can also put you in touch with local death cafes, if you are interested in attending.
Depending on who we have lost, the first birthday after the death of a loved one can be especially hard, for instance, if we are coping with the death of a parent or a spouse.
The first birthday after the death of a parent can be a really tough day to live through. After all, they are the reason that we are even having a birthday in the first place, and now they are no longer here. As hard as this can be to contemplate, such a day can also be a wonderful opportunity to reflect on all the things that your parent gave you in life. You can reminisce about funny and heartwarming moments from your time together, as well as some of the most valuable pieces of advice that they imparted to you.
Similarly, the death of a spouse can make the first birthday after their death incredibly difficult to bear. Few things can emphasise feelings of loneliness like the death of our spouse. And our fragile happiness in the days following such a bereavement never seems more vulnerable to a resurgence of grief than on the first birthday after the death of our spouse.
In all of this it is really important to remember that there is absolutely no pressure whatsoever to do anything. You could write to your friends and family in advance, asking them not to acknowledge the day at all, if you would rather not face it. Nobody would judge you for feeling like this is the best way to handle matters.
With that said, if you would like to convert the day into something which positively remembers your spouse, you can take it as an opportunity to honour your shared life together, and all of the things you achieved. You can celebrate your happiest memories, coming together with others who knew you as a couple, such as children, or friends.
We hope you have found this article about the first birthday after the death of a loved one useful. Whether your own birthday, or theirs, it’s bound to be a difficult and emotionally charged day, but whether you opt to turn it into a chance to remember those who you’ve lost, or to simply let it pass unmarked, is up to you. By communicating openly with your friends and family about your needs and intentions, you can work to make the day memorable, and be charged with the kind of emotional energy you think would be best in the circumstances.
As hard as it can be when we lose someone, it can be even worse when no end-of-life planning has been done. Instead of grieving their loss, we may find that we are left arranging and paying for their funeral, without being able to discuss their preferences with them. By getting a funeral plan together, we can give our families the greatest gift of all: peace of mind.
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